When You Finally Get Health Insurance - Key & Peele

- HELLO, LESHAUN. HELLO, CAROUSEL. - OOH, SAMMY, CAROUSEL HAD ANOTHER PREMONITION. - OH, WHAT WAS IT THIS TIME? - SHE SAYS AN OSTRICH IS GOING TO ESCAPE FROM THE ZOO TODAY. - NOPE, SHE HEARD THAT ON THE NEWS LAST NIGHT, SO THAT'S A THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE ALREADY. - OKAY, WELL, BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. ALL RIGHT, WELL, GO MAKE DADDY SOME CHAMOMILE. LET'S GO. MM. COME ON, GO AROUND. USE THE FORCE. THERE YOU GO. - LESHAUN. LESHAUN, I JUST GOT THIS LETTER FROM MY INSURANCE COMPANY. IT LOOKS LIKE WE ARE OFFICIALLY ON THE SAME INSURANCE. - WHAT? - YES. - [screams] - YES. - SAMMY, WE DID IT! - I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. I MEAN, WE'RE FINALLY NOT GONNA BE TREATED LIKE SECOND-CLASS CITIZENS. - OH, MY GOD, I WANT TO SEE, I WANT TO SEE, I WANT TO SEE. I WANT--NO, DON'T SHOW ME. JUST TELL ME. WHAT ARE WE COVERED? WHAT ARE WE COVERED? HOW ARE WE COVERED? - IT'S GOOD INSURANCE. WE GET DENTAL AND-- - DENTAL! OH, MY GOD, MAKE ME AN APPOINTMENT RIGHT NOW, SAMMY. - NO, LESHAUN, YOU GOT TO TAKE IT-- - I'M GONNA GET A RUBY FILLING AND A FANG FOR APPLES. - A FANG? - YES, A SINGLE, SOLITARY FANG FOR TRICKY FRUITS AND BOTTLE CAPS. - YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THAT'S KIND OF AN ELECTIVE PROCEDURE, WHICH MEANS IT WOULDN'T BE-- - OH, MY GOD. WELL, I'M GOING TO PROCEED TO ELECT THE FANG THE PRESIDENT OF MY MOUTH. - OKAY. - AND THEN I'M GOING TO GET MY VOICE "LOUDENED"!

- VOICE "LOUDENED." - YES, SO I CAN... ♪ TALK TO BIRDS ♪ - ALL RIGHT, SO, WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE GOING TO FIND A DENTIST WHO CAN DO THAT. ALSO, IT'S NOT COVERED IN THIS INSURANCE BECAUSE IT'S THE BASIC... - UH-HUH, YEAH. - DENTAL AND VISION. - UH-HUH. VISION! DID YOU SAY VISION? OH, MY GOD. - I DID SAY VISION. - SAMMY, SAMMY, SAMMY, SAMMY, SAMMY, SAMMY, WHAT? SAMMY, WHAT? SAMMY! - THAT IS MY NAME. - I'M GONNA HAVE ONE CONTACT THAT LOOKS LIKE A CAT EYE AND ANOTHER CONTACT THAT LOOKS LIKE A CAT'S FACE THAT'S MISSING AN EYE. - YOU DON'T WEAR CONTACTS. - I'M GONNA HAVE A THIRD EYE THAT LOOKS LIKE THE LETTER "I," AND IT'S GONNA BE IN MY EYE, AND I'M GONNA BE LIKE, "I...SEE YOU." - [sighs] LESHAUN... YOU DON'T WEAR CONTACTS, SO THERE'S NO REASON-- - WELL, I'M GOING TO NEED TO WEAR CONTACTS WHEN I HAVE MY EYEBROWS REDID BECAUSE THEY SAY THAT KIND OF PROCEDURE WILL "SCRUMPLE" THE CORNEAS. - YOU'RE NOT GETTING YOUR EYEBROWS REDID, REDONE... - MM-HMM, MM-HMM, MM-HMM. - UNDONE, DONE. - I'M GONNA HAVE 'EM SWITCHED ON MY FACE, SO WHEN I GET MAD, I LOOK DELIGHTED! - DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT INSURANCE IS ONLY FOR REAL MEDICAL PROBLEMS? AND EVEN THEN, WE HAVE A DEDUCTIBLE. - I'M GOING TO DEDUCT THE FAT FROM MY ASS AND PUT IT IN MY "FANGLES," SO WHEN I WAVE, I LOOK LIKE MICKEY MOUSE. - OKAY, ALL RIGHT. LISTEN TO WHAT I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW.

- WHAT? - INSURANCE IS NOT FOR YOU TO HAVE THE BOTTOM HALF OF YOUR BODY CUT OFF AND YOU SEWN TO A HORSE SO YOU CAN EXPERIENCE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A... both: CENTAUR - OH, MY GOD, SAMMY, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. - IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA BECAUSE YOU'D DIE ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. - OH, IT'D BE WORTH IT, SAMMY. IT WOULD BE SO WORTH IT. SAMMY, PLEASE, TELL ME I CAN. - I KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO DO THAT, BUT YOU CAN'T DO IT. IT'S NOT COVERED BY THE INSURANCE. - OH, SAMMY! COME ON! - IT'S NOT-- - WHY YOU GOT TO BE THE '80s TO MY DISCO RIGHT NOW? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO, HMM? - I'M NOT TRYING-- - YOU DON'T. THAT'S THE ANSWER. YOU DON'T. - I'M JUST TRYING TO BE THE REALITY TO YOUR DEMENTIA. - I'M GONNA HAVE TWO STOMACHS! I'M GONNA GET ANOTHER STOMACH. ONE FOR CHERRIES AND ONE FOR CORN. - OH, MY GOD. - THAT'S RIGHT, SAMMY. I'M GONNA GO TO COUPLES THERAPY ALONE AND JUST PLAY BOTH PARTS. - YEAH. - I'M GONNA GO TO THE GYNECOLOGIST AND JUST ASK QUESTIONS TILL I GET IT. OH, AND I GOT ANOTHER QUESTION-- A FEW QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW MANY DIFFERENT PARTS OF YOUR BODY YOU CAN MAKE BLINK. 'CAUSE I WANT TO GET MY "EARLIDS" DONE AND THEN MY FOOT POCKETS. FOOT POCKETS ARE THIS INVENTION I'VE BEEN THINKING OF... [hardcore metal music playing] WHERE YOU CAN JUST PUT... YOUR KEYS UP BY YOUR ANKLES. THEN I'M GONNA HAVE A COASTER PUT IN MY SHOULDER, SO WHEN I GO TO A BAR, I CAN SAY, "YOU WANT A DRINK ON ME?"

AND THEN I'M JUST GONNA BE, LIKE, A MONSTER, AND THEN FOR HALLOWEEN, I'M GONNA DRESS UP LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING. [cheers and applause] - THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.